The Chicken or the Egg?

I’ve always been fat. I’ve always  been funny. I’ve always been outgoing. I find myself wondering, at times if I developed my sense of humor and personality because I was fat or was it the other way around.

Yes I was bullied, made fun of, and suffered years of emotional abuse. But I always felt like I could fit in anywhere. Well, maybe not the juniors section of Macy’s lol.

I’ve always had friends. Wasn’t much of a partier growing up, had a few boyfriends here and there early on in my young adult life. I do think that my weight and lack of self esteem made me make poor choices in my late teens and early 20’s, and here I am, finally at the age of 37 realizing my worth and being totally secure and fine with being single. I want to and need to focus on myself.

I dated a guy from Aug 2014-March 2015 where i put all of his needs before mine. He was a shitty boyfriend. When I realized I could have done better and deserved more from someone who said he loved me, I should have just bowed out. Instead I over compensated for many things and even put surgery on the back burner. Although I knew I deserved better, the break-up still devastated me and I’m still sorry to this day that I didn’t take the steps in taking care of me and only me when i needed it.

I almost feel selfish, only focusing on myself & my own needs, but I think it’s about gosh darned time that I do.

I’m not even going to delve into the 3 month relationship i had from June – August with a total sociopath who thought he was getting yet another fat chick with low self esteem. We’ll save that story for another time.

So I often wonder, was I fat because of my past self esteem issues (late teens early 20’s) or was the self esteem a part of being fat. Ya know, kind of like the chicken/egg question. What made me who i am today.  And will i ever find someone who understands me how i need to be understood,  someone who is empathetic to what it’s like to be on this journey? Or will i just live the rest of my life focusing on me and only me?