I Want To Breathe

It’s funny how I only seem to blog after I come home from a support group meeting. Going to these meetings make you accountable for your actions. People have been going there for years after their surgeries, and me, being just 6 months out this Friday, I don’t want to keep showing up to these meetings at the same weight!

That brings me to accountability. I am an honest person. I am very self aware, and I know now more than ever how to better handle certain things when they happen.. or do I?

I haven’t blogged since November. I have hit the 100 pound lost mark Jan 29th. Here it is, about 2 weeks later and I am still there, at 281 pounds. I did lose a total of 102, but then it has fluctuated. There are many reasons for this. Lack of exercise, poor eating habits, not drinking enough fluids.

When I started this journey, I knew it would be hard for me to get active. I know because of my knees being arthritic, bone on bone, and having mobility (as well as financial) issues, I wouldn’t turn into some gym rat. I tried chair exercises for limited mobility. I bought hand weights at Walmart. I was doing those exercises every night for a while. Then it stopped. It stopped because something else had started. The hair loss. The depression because of the hair loss.. the depression because of pain.. the depression because of limited finances. It was all very overwhelming for me. The old me would take comfort in food. I can’t do that anymore. So the depressed me slept… and while I was sleeping I was not getting my fluids in.. I wasn’t eating properly (although I was still getting at least 75g of protein in).

Depression is a vicious cycle. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. There’s being in a funk and then there’s being so depressed that you can’t remember the last time you showered.

My therapist often says to me that they operated on my stomach, and not my brain. I am still making better choices now than when I was last year, but I still have a ways to go.

A big part of me has a lot to do with makeup, cosmetics, hair, nails, etc. So when my hair was falling out and I was collecting large clumps in the shower, and my nails stopped growing and were constantly peeling and splitting, it was like doomsday for me. I know that with weight loss surgery, there comes hair loss. I hear it’s from the 3rd to the 6th month post surgery. It started in early January. On Superbowl Sunday, I grabbed scissors and took a snip. I stared at the clipping and thought to myself,”Well, now there’s no going back.” I finished the job, used some clippers and now when I go out I feel the need to let people know I am female. *haha* I was told that at the end of the 6th month, the hair loss should stop, new hair will grow, and it might even come in thicker! So I have about another month to go. Until then I am trying to embrace my newly cropped head of hair.

I know I need to get back to walking. I was walking around a half mile track outoors, but that stopped after I had issues with a foot that I had previously broken. Then we got hit with snow. Finally after a warm day and some rain today, I can see myself heading back out there. I have a tendency to over do it, but when I am out there on the track, I want to be there as long as possible, not just for 10 minutes! It’s very frustrating because I am so neurotic that I think it’s a wasted trip to drive to the track for just a 10 minute walk. I know, I know, it’s better than nothing, right?

I am torn between feeling proud that I have lost 100 pound and also ashamed that I had a few moments of weakness not even 6 months after my gastric bypass. One day I was feeling so down in the dumps, that after lunch, when some time went by, I started eating some popcorn. AND I DIDN’T STOP UNTIL THE BAG WAS EMPTY. I have already done the math. 8 cups of popcorn. I justify it by saying to myself,”At least you own up to it.” I shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. Admitting it here, seeing it in text right in front of my guilt ridden face is enough to NEVER do it again.

I won’t can’t lie to you. Temptations are everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I didn’t get to 381 pounds overnight, so I know losing it won’t happen overnight. I just have to remember words from a very wise man named Rocky Alexander. You have to want it like you want to breathe.

I want to breathe.

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