My knees, my knees, my knees.
Everyones journey is different. Everyone gets bariatric surgery for a different reason. For me, bariatric surgery is just step one in my quest to live a longer, better life. It’s step one to getting my knees replaced.
Sometimes I feel as though no one understands what I am going through…even my fellow bariatric surgery pals. I fully admit and take full responsibility for what has gotten me to this point in my life. My weight, is one thing.. the diabetes, the hypertension, and the high cholesterol. That’s reason alone to lose weight. On top of that I have these two knees that cause me chronic pain. A day without knee pain is completely foreign to me. I hate the fact that I can’t go a day without gabapentin or tramadol. And lets not forget the days where I have to reach for my Vicodin.
You see, I have this thing where I think too much into things. I know I have to walk more and I get paranoid that others are judging me for not doing so. However, when you can only do so much, it’s hard. It’s not a simple ache or pain that will go away in a few hours. I get woken up out of sound sleep. Or I cannot fall asleep because the pain is so overwhelming. Just this afternoon I wanted to rest my eyes for 20 minutes, as I have been up since 3am, but due to the extreme pain, I just couldn’t get comfortable.
I did spend some time in two stores, and of course I was wearing flip flops so the impact of walking on the hard floor, of course was no help to my knees.
Every since having the surgery, I have SO much energy, I do too much and pay for it later that day or the next day. I felt super productive yesterday and was very motivated to get things done. That might be another reason why I am in so much pain.
I know that in time, as more weight comes off of my 5’10 frame, the knees won’t hurt as much… or will they? Everyone seems so sure and confident that the pain will be less. I am so worried that it won’t be. Is someone who has bone on bone osteoarthritic knees and NOT overweight in ZERO pain? I find this frustrating. There is no guarantee that as the weight comes off, the knees will feel better. Sometimes I feel like my knees got rolled over by one of those cement smoothers. I feel bad for complaining because I know there are others out there who do ten times more than what I do a day and are in pain, as well. I know that I should count my blessings that I am still mobile, even if I am in pain. There are people in wheelchairs, people who have no use of their legs who would give anything to just have knee pain. I try to not make a big deal about my pain, but sometimes it just consumes me and despite having a great support system via friends and family, I feel like sometimes they just don’t get it. And then I know that there are friends and family who DO get it. It’s not just a matter of me being fat and the surgery will solve everything. I am still in the same amount of pain as I was six months ago, or even a year ago.
I know this surgery is the step in the right direction for me, I know that. I needed this. I am not doubting that. I think I am just dealing with the frustration of not being able to move around more post-surgery and will be afraid that weight will not drop as quickly as I would like it to. Granted, I didn’t expect to wake up from surgery and have no pain in my knees. I realize it’s going to take time. I just wonder if other people realize that, too. The knee issue is a big one for me. A really big issue.
I will end this here, as I feel like I am rambling. To be honest, I sometimes feel out of place when people speak of the reasons for having the surgery. Sometimes I feel as though others cannot relate. I see some post-surgery patients already at the gym, or doing laps around their local playground. I would LOVE to take my ipod, hop in my car, and go somewhere I can walk. This is just another part of my journey. It’s not going to be easy and I knew that. My journey will be good at times, and at others, not so good. I guess today is a not so good day.