I Want To Breathe

It’s funny how I only seem to blog after I come home from a support group meeting. Going to these meetings make you accountable for your actions. People have been going there for years after their surgeries, and me, being just 6 months out this Friday, I don’t want to keep showing up to these […]

The Chicken or the Egg?

I’ve always been fat. I’ve always  been funny. I’ve always been outgoing. I find myself wondering, at times if I developed my sense of humor and personality because I was fat or was it the other way around.

Yes I was bullied, made fun of, and suffered years of emotional abuse. But I always felt like I could fit in anywhere. Well, maybe not the juniors section of Macy’s lol.

I’ve always had friends. Wasn’t much of a partier growing up, had a few boyfriends here and there early on in my young adult life. I do think that my weight and lack of self esteem made me make poor choices in my late teens and early 20’s, and here I am, finally at the age of 37 realizing my worth and being totally secure and fine with being single. I want to and need to focus on myself.

I dated a guy from Aug 2014-March 2015 where i put all of his needs before mine. He was a shitty boyfriend. When I realized I could have done better and deserved more from someone who said he loved me, I should have just bowed out. Instead I over compensated for many things and even put surgery on the back burner. Although I knew I deserved better, the break-up still devastated me and I’m still sorry to this day that I didn’t take the steps in taking care of me and only me when i needed it.

I almost feel selfish, only focusing on myself & my own needs, but I think it’s about gosh darned time that I do.

I’m not even going to delve into the 3 month relationship i had from June – August with a total sociopath who thought he was getting yet another fat chick with low self esteem. We’ll save that story for another time.

So I often wonder, was I fat because of my past self esteem issues (late teens early 20’s) or was the self esteem a part of being fat. Ya know, kind of like the chicken/egg question. What made me who i am today.  And will i ever find someone who understands me how i need to be understood,  someone who is empathetic to what it’s like to be on this journey? Or will i just live the rest of my life focusing on me and only me?

FOOD FINDS!

Yesterday on my way home from my one month post op visit I stopped by Wal-Mart to get some more puddings. I ended up there in the middle of rush hour so I took my time and walked up and down every aisle. Gotta get my exercise in any way I can, right?

I’ve dabbled in some Frank’s Red Hot, but i really missed bbq sauce. Found this bottle on the very bottom shelf. I’ve been told that are 3 varieties, but sadly this was the only one they had.

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A Facebook acquaintance asked about baby foods once I started stage 2. She linked me to a site with all of these amazing fruit and vegetable combinations! It had slipped my mind until I saw a bunch of these on the shelves. $1.38. And boy was this delicious. It was a perfect snack and perfect consistency to take my Calcium Citrate pills.

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Now THAT'S appetizing

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This took me by COMPLETE surprise! I knew this PB2 existed but I was unable to purchase online. So imagine my excitement when i saw this hanging out with the other peanut butters! I cannot wait to try this. I hope its all that it’s cracked up to be.

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My Little Meltdown

I’m writing this though tears. Do you know how awesome it is to be in so much pain that you chew a vicodin? I do. I just did it and it was not pleasant. I sit here with my dinner before me, looking at the clock, waiting for 7:41 so I can start to eat.

I’m crying for so many reasons. Mainly the pain in my knees. Pain, so severe that I barely made it up 6 steps to go upstairs to get my vicodin.

I started to prepare dinner for myself around 6. Halfway through I could feel the pain building up. But I pushed through it, drinking my water while making my dinner. While my dinner was cooking I made another meal. Put all three pots in the sink and started bawling my eyes out.

Today I had a lot of energy, so I ran many errands. Doctors office (I parked a block away so I could walk more), Trader Joe’s (same deal, but not parking close to the entrance), home, up and down steps, ate lunch, took care of some important paperwork, back upstairs for stamps, out to the post office, cleaned out some of my car, back inside the house, emptied dishwasher, back upstairs, and that’s when I decided to rest a bit. But I couldn’t get comfortable. I wasn’t tired so I wasn’t trying to sleep. I talked to my Mom, and then my niece. Before I knew it, it was 5:45 so i decided to head downstairs to feed the cat. I was still talking to my niece so I decided to prepare dinner at the same time. I scored and blanched grape tomatoes from the garden, peeled and cut up some zucchini, and browned some 99% fat free ground turkey. I was still drinking water so i knew i had to wait half an hour before i could eat. I added strings from a cheese stick to my zucchini dish and measured out a half cup for my dinner, added a tsp of ricotta, and put the rest away. I finished making the other dish (mac and cheese), put the pots and pans in the sink and that’s when a whoosh of emotion just hit me.

I had the surgery. But I still have this f***ing knee pain. And I’m not drinking my 60 ounces of fluid a day. I’m timing everything. When I eat, when I can drink again, and then when I can eat again. I’m getting my meals in which is great, but it’s a struggle.

I’m not going to lie. I’m not going to sugar coat anything. This is f***ing hard. And as I’ve said, it’s easy to be fat. But then again let’s be honest here; there’s nothing NOTHING easy about being fat. The sweating, the looks from strangers, the comments from little kids, the fear of breaking yet another toilet seat, the pain….both physical and mental. There is nothing fun or easy about being fat. And it’s being fat that got me to where I am. I didn’t blame anyone but myself. Sure I have underlying health issues and genetics that I’m fighting, but I’m the one who looked at food as the only positive thing in my life. I’ve learned through therapy that food is not the enemy. And it never was.

I joked about writing a book and calling it “Dont Let Your Kids Get Fat.” A little harsh, I know. But after tonight and the day I’ve had, it just really hit me what really got me to this point. I know I did the right thing, getting the gastric bypass. I was more afraid not to get it done.

So while I’m all for acceptance of all bodies, shapes, and sizes, I’m even more for being healthy. I don’t blame my parents, relatives, teachers, friends, or food. I blame myself. I think we should all love ourselves no matter how loud the voices in our head can get at times. However, when the pain and frustration of being fat get louder than those voices, then it’s time to think about what matters more. You do.

Post Op Visit with my PCP.

Today I saw my PCP. I love this guy. He is super awesome. When I moved to this area in November of 2013, I was still seeing my PCP back home and it was close to an hour and a half (give or take) to get to his office. I bit the bullet and looked […]